Mar. 20, 2016

Sam and Steven,

You might have noticed that I didn't call either of you "dear".  Neither of you is exactly dear to me right now.  I'm feeling pretty furious with both of you this morning.  I thought that both of you had worked out your differences with yesterday's tiff,  but it seems I was wrong. What the actual fuck you guys?  Do either of you have any idea how scary it is to be ripped out of a deep sleep at 4:45am by the sound of a dog fight in the living room?  It's awful and it's made worse by the fact that it's my day off and I was really looking forward to sleeping in.  Like till 6:30 maybe.  

Sam, the sound that you make during a fight is godawful and heartwrenching and terrifying.  Steve only growls a little but that's only because he's usually got his mouth full of some part of your body. The general noise level during one of these little incidents is bad; there's the yelping from you Sam, the growling from Steve, the panicky barking from The Weiners, and huge, loud, frantic barking from Beau and Peep.  All together that makes about as many decibles as a low flying jet.  

Steve, you were hard to pull off this morning.  I've never had to kick a dog ever in my life until this morning, but you just wouldn't realease.  I only started kicking when I realized it was a really bad idea to put my hand in your mouth to try and pry it open. A moment of temporary insanity on my part.  I'm amazed that you didn't really didn't do any damage this time, only opened up last night's pucture and added a scrape to Sam's neck.  I expected MUCH worse when I couldn't get you off of Sam, maybe his thick fur protected him.  I guess I should be grateful that you didn't latch on to one of his shaved areas, they haven't grown back all of the way yet and there's not as much protection there.  

Sam, you did give Steve a few new nicks on his face, but not as bad as in the past.  Don't misunderstand, you're in just as much trouble as he is.  I've seen the way you just can't seem to keep your mouth shut and not say mean things everytime Steve comes within 10 feet of you.  You've got to stop, you know how mad he gets when you say bad things and then snap at him.  If you want to commit suicide keep it up.  But I can think of several less unpleasant ways to kill yourself.  You're lucky that all you got was a new shallow scrape on your neck and bled a little from last night's puncture. 

Steve, I thought you'd gotten good at just walking away from Sam when he starts talking smack.  What happened?  Have you forgotten that you are the very bottom of the pack.  Maybe you think your status has changed because NR thinks you're the best thing in the world?  News flash: her opinion doesn't count for shit. It's great that you have this new playmate who only wants to pay attention to you, but that's all she is: a playmate.  She has no authority, no status, no decision making power, and of course no ambition or money.  Having her undivided attention does NOT make you hot shit and it doesn't give you any leeway for bad behavior even though she's willing to put up with it.  Just because Sam tries to start something, it doesn't mean that you have to fall for it and go all red line on him.  You're better than that, I thought I'd taught you better. Time to work on that again.

In short, the 2 of you are driving me crazy.  I had an offer from my youngest puppy to take Sam to his house for awhile, but I really don't want to break up our pack.  And he already has 3 big dogs as well as 2 cats.  He lives in the city and I don't think Corvallis will let him have any more animals without a kennel license.  So that's not really an option.  And despite Smith's repeated suggestions to either drive you out into the wilderness and drop you off, or just plain put you down, I'm not ready to give up on you Steven.  

I am absolutely going to sit NR down and tell her exactly how things need to change. Steven, I think it would be a great idea for her to spend more time looking for a job and less time hugging you and throwing the ball.  If she doesn't make immediate changes, she's going to be leaving a hell of a lot earlier than June.  Like tomorrow maybe.  I'll remind her that she's a grown human and not a puppy and that I expect her to behave like a grown up. We'll just have to see how it goes.

You both look tired and I'm exhausted, I think we'd all better take a nap before the little grandpuppies get here for lunch.  You're both on probation and you're both grounded.  Let's just see if you can redeem yourselves over the next 2 days that I'm not working.

xo (yes, there's fewer x's and o's today),

Really pissed Alpha

Mar. 19, 2016

Wesson:  What happened outside?

Smith: We heard all kinds of noise coming from the garage just before you got home, what's going on?

Me: Sam and Steve were fighting in there.

Wesson: Wait, I remember that you left Steve inside when you went to work, just like you always do.

Smith: We'd rather you put him outside you know, we could use the peace and quiet. although we understand that those two aren't ever to be alone together so we put up with him.  How did he get out?  

Me: I wondered that myself when I pulled the 2 of them apart.  It seems that NR left a window open downstairs where she lives and since Steve goes downstairs all the time, he must have noticed that there was an escape route and took advantage of it.  

Smith: See Wes, I told you that idiot doesn't have any magical powers and can't walk through walls.  He just got lucky.

Wesson: does Sam have to go to the vet again?  

Me: no, he's only got one little puncture on his leg this time.  I think maybe they'd just started when I pulled up. Steve has a few cuts on his face, I'm sure he'll let you lick them.

Smith: where is that human puppy that lives downstairs?  She's always here, she doesn't go anywhere or do anything but she wasn't here today.  Is she gone? Do we have our house back?  Did the licking work?  We tried to make sure we licked as much and as loud as we could every time she was around us.  Did it work? Is she gone? I hope so, my tongue is really tired and I think some of the hair is missing on my back because Wesson licks too hard.

Me: sadly, no.  She said she was going to be doing some work for the guy that brought her here.  I thought she'd be back sometime today, but she wasn't and it never occurred to me that she would leave a window open. And it sure as hell never occurred to me that Steve would figure out that he could get outside.  He might just be smarter than we give him credit for.  

Wesson: like smarter than that bug I ate today?

Smith: maybe equal to but not greater than.

Me: wow, that was quite the sentence, I'm impressed.

Smith: well you made us watch all of that Downton Abbey crap every night last week, I paid attention to the way they talked because you seem to like it. 

Me: thank you Smith, that was very thoughtful of you.  

Beau: Madame, a word?  

Me: of course.

Beau: Peep and I would like to apologize for not being able to stop the fight. We tried, at one point Peep actually had ahold of Steven's tail but she couldn't pull him off.  Sam was stuck between the freezer and the refrigerator and I couldn't get in close enough to rip Steven's throat out.  I'm sorry.  We failed you.  Again.

Me: Peep, please stop crying, you left some lovely bite marks on Steve's tail.  I know you and Beau did the best you could and I'm sure Sam would be much worse off if you hadn't gone to his rescue.  Neither of you failed me. I don't blame you.  I don't even really blame Steve and Sam, they don't seem to be able to stop themselves.

Smith: If anyone asks me, I'd say it's NR's fault for leaving the window open.  I don't think I like her very much.  Will she be leaving soon?  Can she take The Idiot with her when she goes?  

Me: I'm inclined to agree with you.

Smith:  You mean you'll make Dummy go with her?!?!?!?!  That would be the best thing ever! We could get rid of both problems at the same time!  Brilliant!!

Me: I didn't mean that I agreed with sending Steve away, I was agreeing with where to place the blame for this fiasco.  I'm going to have to try to talk to her again when she gets back.  I hope it goes better than the last time I wanted to talk to her and she said she'd be right back and then never came out of the bathroom.  

Beau: we'll try harder with her Madame.  It's very frustrating to try to teach her anything, she doesn't listen very well and she doesn't pay attention for very long at all.  Sometimes I even wonder if she hears anything that I try to tell her.  Even when we give her lots of treats when she does something good, she doesn't seem to retain anything.  

Me: don't worry about it Beau, I know you're doing the best you can.  I just hope she isn't too old to learn new tricks.  And you can back off on the treats, she's eating me out of house and home as it is.  I'm kind of tired you guys, and my leg has fallen asleep because Sam's head is very heavy and he seems to need to be plastered against me.  Let's all put our jammies on and curl up and watch some tv.

Steve:  I'm really sorry about today....can I sit with you?  

Smith: go to hell Estupido.  You upset the Alpha again. And it's already crowded up here with the huge white head taking up most of The Lap.

Me: Smith, stop.  I'll handle this.  Steve, I don't think it's a good idea for both you and Sam to be on the couch at the same time. There are plenty of other places to lay down  Let's all relax and try to have a pleasant evening.  What should we watch?

Smith: anything but that PBS garbage you made us watch all last week. Bo-ring.

Wesson: Lady and the Tramp - that little cockeral espaniel girl is gorgeous!

Me: *eyeroll* she's a cartoon Wesson.

Wesson: still gorgeous.

Beau: I noticed a documentary on Egypt the other day when you were scrolling through the available programs...

Peep: I don't care, I'm just going to cry through whatever we watch anyway.  I just feel so bad about everything.

Steve: can I pick something?

Sam: NO! You don't get to pick. You're in trouble.

Me: you're both in trouble so please be quiet and stop snarling at each other.  I'm thinking it might be a good evening for a Stargate SG-1 marathon, or maybe we'll catch up on I Zombie?  I'll heat up some pizza.  

Smith:  Ooooo! We can have the crusts right?  I don't think we had dinner.  I'm starving.  Come to think of it, are you sure you gave us breakfast before you went to work?  Can you make Sam move over?,  he's crushing me. And tell Dumbo to stop looking at me like that, it's not MY fault you're mad at him.

Peep: Oh, Dumbo! Can we watch the Dumbo movie? That song his mother sings to him always helps me cry.

Me: I think I'm just going to give up and go to bed.  

Smith: Yesssss! We could use some alone time, just you and me Lady, just you and me.  And I guess Wesson if he wants to come. But not Buttface.  Have I ever mentioned that I hate him? Are you hungry? Can we have pizza in bed?  You're still having pizza right?  

Me:.............*eyeroll*

Mar. 17, 2016

Dear Smith and Wesson,

I know we've talked about this before, but it seems to be time to go over it again. To get right to the point: the licking is driving me crazy.  It used to only happen every once in awhile, but lately it seems to be a non-stop activity.  Every time one of you sits down, the other rushes over to start cleaning.  Ears, eyeballs, backs, it doesn't seem to matter, if it sits still, it gets licked.  You even had a conga line of licking going the other evening (please refer to the photgraphic evidence).  Why?  I don't get it.  

All of this is bad enough, but the thing that makes me the craziest is the nighttime marathons. Especially you Mr. Smith.  Why is it that as soon as we go to bed it's time for you to lick every single inch of your little body?  What is it about settling down for the night that makes you so intent on covering yourself in your own saliva?  And why does it have to be so loud?  How can one little tongue on one little dog make so much noise?  Don't get too smug Wesson, I can actually hear you licking yourself from another room so you're no better than your brother.  And of course, we can't forget that weird chewing on yourselves.  That kind of biting, nibbling, whatever you want to call it.  That's actually worse than the licking and I'm very grateful it doesn't happen with the same frequency.  Regardless, could you work on stopping that as well, or at least cutting down.  I know!  You could do all of these things while I'm at work.  Concentrating your licking episodes into the time when it's only the NR (new roommate) in the house might just irritate her into leaving sooner.  Or leaving at all.  Ever.  Anyway, it couldn't hurt to give it a try.  

So that's the new plan: do as much licking as you'd like during the day.  Go ahead and do extra sessions if you feel the need. If you can do most or all of it in NR's presence, that's even better, anything you can do to make her feel less comfortable here will be most appreciated.  Remember, we all have to work together if we're ever going to have our home to ourselves again.  

xxoo,

Testy Alpha