Dobby:  Excuse me, Nice Lady?

Me: Aww, how sweet of you to call me that.

Dobby: Well, I know you like to call yourself Alpha, but I don't really recognize you as that so...

Me: **under my breath** that Dachshund half is really strong.  Ok, nevermind.  What is it?

Dobby: I was thinking about reincarnation and Kevin.

Me: excuse me?? How do you even know about reincarnation?

Dobby: you know how you always leave the television on for us when you go to work?

Me: yes, I've heard that dogs like to hear human voices especially when there aren't humans around.

Dobby: I don't know about the voices thing, but we do like to watch TV.  Peep likes The Young and the Restless, Kevin's really into The Price is Right.  Peep and I aren't crazy about game shows, but we decided that we could let him watch that one since we won't let him watch cartoons. I like the Discovery channel the best. 

Me: you change the channels???

Dobby: Of course we do, you don't really expect us to watch the same channel all day every day do you?

Me: I honestly never thought about it.

Dobby: Maybe you should have. Don't worry, Peep is in charge of the remote because she's the only one who can keep Kevin from chewing it. Anyway, the other day when it was my turn to pick, we watched something about reincarnation. Well, I watched it.  Peep fell asleep and Kevin could only sit still for about 5 minutes, but anyway, after watching the program, I got to thinking about Kevin.

Me: I'm not seeing the connection, but please continue.

Dobby: One of the days that Peep was telling us stories about the other pack members that Kevin and I never got to meet and she told us about Steve. Based on everything that she told us, and based everything that I learned on the Discovery channel, I came to the logical conclustion that Kevin is Steve come back to live another life.

Me: Interesting concept, do elaborate.

Dobby: first of all, they're both pitbulls.

Me: Kevin is only half pit, Steve was the real deal.

Dobby: half, whole, it doesn't matter.  A pitbull is a pitbull.

Me: Dobby!  That sounds vaguely racist.

Dobby: pfft. Just stating the truth.

Me: try to be morel tolerant, pitbulls always get a bad rap.

Dobby: ok, ok.

Me: alright, we'll hear no more of that kind of talk. Do go on.

Dobby: From what Peep told us, Kevin and Steve are a lot alike.  You know how Kevin likes to chew things?

Me: trust me, I'm aware.

Dobby: Peep said that Steve used to chew everything, is it true he ate a lamp once?  She was kidding right?

Me: Sadly, no, she wasn't kidding.  It was a very colorful lamp, one of my favorites.  He ate all the shades one day.  Don't ask why.

Dobby: Amazing. Peep said that Steve wasn't terribly bright and after getting to know him, I have to say that Kevin isn't either.  I mean, who drags around a bag of epsom salts that they found in the bathroom cabinet and acts like it's some kind of special prize? How smart do you have to be to realize that the car is the gateway to adventure and not a portal to instant death?  What reasonably intelligent dog doesn't understand that human food is way better than dog food?  Who chews electrical cords?  I caught him just in time on that one, you're welcome.  Would a smart dog rip apart all of the stuffed animal toyfriends and then pout when there's nothing to play with?  I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.   

Me; Please don't go on, I try to forget these things as soon as I clean them up.  That's why Kevin is still with us.  You're right about the similarities, but I'm not sure that means that Kevin is Steve's reincarnation.  I'm not sure I even completely believe in reincarnation.

Dobby: Maybe if you watched less 90 Day Fiance and more Discovery channel, you'd open your mind.  

Me: excuse me sir, that sounded very judgemental.  I don't critisize your vewing choices.  And most importantly, I own the TV.  Wait, this discussion is starting to deteriorate.  Why is it that Dachshunds are so judgey?  And only half of you is Dachshund, it shouldn't be like this.

Dobby: I might only be 50% Dachshund, but I'm 100% right about everything.  All the time.

Me: **major eyeroll** whatever.  How about we agree to leave this alone for awhile, I promise I'll do some reading on reincarnation and we can discuss this again another time. 

Dobby: Look, Peep said that Steve really loved you and everybody else in the pack.  Except Sam.  What was that about?  Anyway, maybe he's getting a chance to come back and do it better this time around.

Me:  Could be, could be.  But do you really think anyone would choose to come back as the frenetic potato that is Kevin?

Dobby: they say you don't get to choose what or who you come back as.

Me: that might explain it, but as I said, let's leave this alone for now.  I really have to get a few things done around the house.

Dobby: ok fine, we'll do everything that YOU want to do.  

Me: buddy, are you forgetting which one of us buys the food and the snacks?  When you walk on 2 legs, grow opposable thumbs and get a job, then you can call the shots.

Dobby:  *walks away muttering* fine, I'll go lift my leg on something.

Kevin: *runs in dragging the bathroom rug* Whatcha talking about?

Me: best not to ask.

Ok guys, I know it's Monday, but as I'm sure you remember, I didn't get home from work until after 9 last night and I think we were all too tired for the weekly meeting.  Since I'm not working for the next couple days, I thought we'd have our meeting this morning while we're all fresh.  I didn't have the time or the energy to put together the usual power point presentation, but I did collect a few photos pertinent to today's topic.  I'm going to ask that you all hold your comments and questions until the end of the meeting rather than participating along the way as you usually do.

We have a problem friends.  Although you are continually provided with many different things to satisfy your chewing needs, and although these items are continually available, there seems to be an awful lot of unacceptable chewing going on when I'm not here.  Let's go through the collage one frame at a time.  Peep, don't you dare sit there looking smug.  I've included some of your handiwork as well.  As a matter of fact, I think we'll start with your contribution to the destruction.

I'd like to direct your attention to the first row of photos.  I know that this happened awhile back before I installed the dog door, but I feel it should be included so that you all can see that I never play favorites.  Peep, I assume that you desperately wanted to get out of the house that day.  Whether it was because you perceived a threat or just because you've always preferred being outside, I'll never know.  But you were intent and driven. So intent that you ripped off the moulding around the front door, chewed the door from the house to the garage, and shattered the glass in the patio door by biting the edges until it broke.  I'm very thankful that you weren't hurt during your frenzy and even more thankful for the wonderful invention that is tempered glass.  This is a perfect example of "unsactioned chewing".  I'm forever grateful that the simple addition of a dog door stopped you from tearing the house apart.  I am not, however, greatful for the amount of money I had to spend to repair everything.

Let's move on, shall we?  Kevin, pay attention.  Kevin, did you hear me?  KEVIN!!  

Sorry everyone, I didn't mean to raise my voice. Let's talk about the other photos, shall we?:  In the middle row, starting on the left we see a boot insert. Please note that the boot on the right is all floppy and folded over and that the white thing that should be holding it upright is beyond doing it's job. 

Next, we have a pair of my shoes.  Granted, these are my working outside/gardening shoes, but they are absolutely not on the Ok To Chew list.  They are not so comfortable without their sole inserts and the now ragged backs hurt my heels. 

Please take a look at the recipe card.  I can tape this back together but it's the principle of the thing. 

Moving on to the bottom row:  the edge of your water bowl. Why?  Next, a collection of interactive treat dispensing toys. These toys are meant to keep your little minds busy and engaged and provide entertainment and alleviate boredom.  I originally bought them for Dobby and he spent many happy hours  gently figuring out how to get the treats out.  Kevin, when you joined the pack I thought these would be a good activity for you as well. I was mistaken.  Not long after your arrival I learned that your frustration level is very low and when you can't something figure out fast enough, you resort to brute force and the power in your jaws. You are half pitbull, so you have some pretty powerful jaws on you as evidenced by the current state of these toys. Toys aren't don't grow on trees and they tend to be expensive I'need you all to be aware that there is a set amount of money that I'm willing to spend on dog toys. We need to stick to the budget.  We don't have a bottomless pit of funds to keep replacing toys.  You might want to keep that in mind.

Lastly, we see a struggling succulent collection.  The tall one is not doing well.  This is probably do to its lack of leaves.  I know it's doing its best to soldier on and survive, so let's  give it a fighting chance and not rip anymore leaves off.

Well guys, that's all I have for today.I could have shown you many, many more examples of the effects of unsanctioned chewing incidents, but I know that your attention span is somewhat limited. Yes, Kevin, I'm talking to you.

Next week we'll be covering "Things That Don't Belong In The Back Yard and How They Get There". 

Does anyone have anything they'd like to say?

Peep: sorrysorrysorrysorry.

Me: I know honey, it's in the past, we can move on.  Kevin, anything you'd like to say?  Kevin? KEVIN! Where did you go?!?

Kevin: *coming into the room with a sanding sponge in his mouth looking around innocently*  Who does all this stuff? 

Dobby: Really?  I have no words.

Me: I'm with you Dobbs, You and I are on the same page there.

Kevin,

Perhaps I should put off writing your weekly evaluation given this morning's events, but I do like to stick to the schedule.  

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being generally poor and 10 being the best boy ever, you are currently sitting at -37.  Previously, your ratings have been hovering around 2 or 3 with the occasional 5, I thought we were making progress.  I was mistaken.  

Let me explain to you exactly how you earned this dismal rating:

This morning Dobby had a vet appointment.  I've learned from experience that it's easier to take everyone along for the ride than to try to get out of the house with just one of you.  I'm very much aware that you do not care for the car.  I have no idea why, every single dog I've ever had and most of the cats LOVE going in the car.  Not you.  You leave the house all excited, apparently thinking we're going for a walk, but as soon as we stop at the car and I open the door, you plant yourself and refuse to budge.  This happens every single time.  Today, however, that behavior caused a cascade of events that will probably take me a week to recover from.

Let's review:

I've gotten quite good at stepping on your leash and Dobby's leash while I help Peep get up into the car.  Next we let Dobbs jump in.  He loves the car, by the way.  You might want to talk to him about how great it is.  Once Dobby and Peep are in, it's your turn.  You are never cooperative.  You sit down like some kind of tree stump and become virtually immovable.  Today was the worst.  Rather than just planting yourself, you chose to pull back and slip out of your harness.  I learned the hard way that if there's a leash involved, you have to be in a harness because your neck is the same size as your head and your collar can't be tight enough to withstand any kind of pulling at all.  In order to get the collar tight enough to stay on, I'd have to strangle you.  Today, that feels like an option to be considered.  

So, Peep and Dobby are in the car, wagging and ready for whatever adventure is on the horizon.  You are skulking through the yard, heading for the sidewalk., no harness, no leash. I take off after you, making a huge mistake:  I left the car door open.  Next thing I know, Dobby is streaking past us, headed for a major cross street.  I've managed to clip your leash on your collar and we head off in hot pursuit.  I'm screaming Dobby's name, he is suddenly stricken with amnesia and doesn't remember who he is so of course he doesn't stop.  He toddles right into the street, a car screeches to a halt and he crosses unharmed.  You and I are right behind him, car still stopped for us and you chose this moment to do your famous "cross in front of the human" maneuver.  Remember what happened next?  No? I'll tell you: I tripped over your log-like body and came down hard in the street, in front of what is now 3 cars that have stopped.  I quickly pick myself up, relatively sure nothing major is broken (except my pride) and we continue on chasing Dobby.  He's now in a cul-de-sac, so I have hope.  That hope strengthens when he can't resist stopping to leave a note on every upright he comes across.  It slows him down enough that I manage to step on the leash he's dragging.  We're good! We start limping home.  I'm the one that's limping.  You two douche canoes are fine.

As we're walking the block and a half home, it occurs to me that I never did shut the car door and I start to wonder if the next adventure will involve locating Peep since we all took off and left the car door open.  But no, she's sitting patiently in the car, probably wondering what the hell just happened and when we'll get going.  You still refuse to get into the car and decide to slink off and sit pathetically at the front door.  Fine.  Fine.  You can stay home by yourself.  I'm not proud to admit that I briefly considered just leaving you on the doorstep in the hope that you'd wander away while the rest of us are out and about. But you're wearing your collar with an ID tag and you have a microchip so there's no point. I throw you (literally) into the house, get back in the car and get on with the plans.

Dobby was late for his vet appointment.  Both of my knees are skinned, bruised and screaming. My back is tweaked.  Peep is distressed.  All of this comes back to you Kevin. You and  your refusal to ride in the car like a normal dog.   

Even before today's extravaganza, your rating for the week was at 1 due to your ongoing chewy hoarding and toy destruction.  But given the events of the morning, and the amount of pain I'm currently in, you've dropped off the graph entirely.  You're going to have to work pretty hard to climb back up Kevin.  Pretty damn hard.  

We'll do another evaluation next week.  I trust you'll do everything in your power to bring your score up.  

Please initial at the bottom of the page so that I know you've read this.

Alpha

Dearest Peep,

I'm so glad that we've finally hit on a way to get your meds into you.  Although I wish it was something that didn't look very much like what came out of my puppies when they were brand new, I'm thankful nonetheless.

It's been a battle.  You "don't like" the standard pill pockets.  Not when they have a pill in them.  Remember that time you ate a whole bag of them that you stole out of the pantry?  Somehow, I find it hard to believe that you don't like pill pockets.

So we tried the good ol' wrap it in cheese method.  Yes, I actually broke down and bought Kraft Singles because you wouldn't even touch the waaaaay less expensive store brands.  You do like a good slice of crappy American cheese, not cheddar, not colby/jack, only pretend cheese will do. I had to marvel at your ability to completely clean off and leave behind the pill that said crappy cheese was wrapped around.  Thank you for depositing them neatly beside your bowl so that I could try to recycle them.

Needless to say, wrapping the pill in lunchmeat didn't go any better.  Again I must marvel at the ability to use that big drooly mouth so delicately.

We won't go into the couple of tries of shoving the pill down your throat manually.  It was traumatic for both of us and I still feel bad for doing it. I marvel at your ability to bring the pills back up unharmed when I was down your throat up to my elbow.  I may never get over the look of absolute betrayal that you gave me.  I wonder if you've forgiven me yet.

Canned food.  That should have worked right?  But no.  Same scenario as the pill pockets.  You love it until I put medication in it.  At that point, it becomes poison and must not be touched.

Melty vanilla ice cream?  You adore ice cream, melty or hard, doesn't matter. We swithced from pills to a powered form of your meds and it mixes in beautifully.  Can't even tell it's in there.  Correction, I can't tell it's in there,. You, however, are ever vigilent and this only worked once.  But thanks for letting me have the rest of the carton.  I like it melty too. With a little hot fudge and sprinkles.

That brings us to what I hope is continued success: peanut butter soup.  The recipe is simple; put a big blob of peanut butter in a bowl, add water and throw it in the microwave for about 30 seconds.  Add med powder and stir vigorously.  Through trial and error, we've agreed upon the correct consistency.  Can't be too firm or you give up on it part way through.  Can't be too runny or you're just not into it and leave it sitting for The Idiots to get into.  It won't hurt them, but both peanut butter and the meds are expensive so I'd prefer that both go where they are intended to which is in your body.  We've made it almost 2 weeks now and it's still working.  I'm guardedly hopeful.

Keep up the good work!

xx oo,

Relieved Alpha

Peep:  Mom?  Mom??? Mama!  What's wrong?  Your face is leaking a lot.  It worries me so much when that happens.

Me: It's ok darling girl, don't worry, I'm really ok.  Just a little sad.

Peep: oh no!  Did I do something wrong?  Did the new guys eat something precious to you?

Me: nothing like that honey.  I was just getting together the photos of the pack members that aren't with us any more and looking through all the pictures from all the years to choose some just made me miss everyone that's not here.

Peep: I knew it was my fault!  I'm the one who asked you to get the photos so the new guys could see them.  I'm sooooooo sorry I made you do that.  Stop doing it right now!!!  I can't bear it when your face leaks like that.

Me: Sweetheart, it's absolutely not your fault.  I needed to add everyone's photos at some point, I'm glad you reminded me to do it.  Now we can show the new guys all of the old friends.  When we show them the pics you can tell them stories about each one, it'll be a happy time, I promise.

Peep: ok.  I'll show them the page while you're at work today.  Maybe that will be a better activity for them than tearing apart all of their toys.  Why do they do that?

Me:  excellent question.  

Peep:  show me how to find the page with the pictures on it, I can't find it.

Me: just click on the "more" word on the right hand side of banner.

Peep: maybe you need to cut my nails, this is hard.  Ok, got it.  Now what?

Me: now click "dogs gone by" in the drop down.

Peep:  Oooooooo!  Hello friends!  Thanks mom!