Me:  could all of you come in here please, we need to go over a few things.  

Smith: where's the baby? Where's the baby? Where's the baby?

Wesson: why are you so worried about that thing? You spend all of your time running around after it, you haven't cleaned my ears in days.

Sam:  I found him!  OUCH! Why did you bite my nose Smith? 

Smith: I bit you because you're way too close to the baby.  Next time I'll rip your face off.

Me: Ok, that's enough all of you, this is an example of why we're having a meeting.  Everyone, in here now.  Sit.  Stay.  Smith, apologize to Sam.

Smith:  sorry I'm not sorry Sam

Mabel:  what's this "meeting" crap? What's up with the sit and stay? Since when do I have to do anything that anyone says?  Is this about that little fuzz ball in the jail?  And what's up with the big ugly dog in the picture.

Me: I was hoping we could all be in the same room at the same time for just a few minutes to talk about the recent changes in the household. First, it's not a jail, it's a kennel so that the little guy can be safe when I'm not around, he's so little he could get stepped on if you all start running around.  Next, that's not a big ugly dog, it's a horse, his name is Marcus. And before you ask, he's not in jail either, the bars are just part of his stall.

Mabel: criminals, she brought criminals into our lives.  I want no part of this *stalks off in a huff*

Peep: Marcus?!  Mom is that the same Marcus from the ranch?  

Me: yes, that's him, I brought him up here so that he and I can spend time together again.  And Peep, I'm not your mom, we've been over this.  None of you are my babies and I'm not your mom.  We're just all really good friends.

Peep: ok mom.

Beau: Madame, will Marcus be joining us here at the house?  Will the 3 of us be resuming our guardian duties?  

Sam:  god I hope not.  I really like this laying on the couch all day thing.

Me: he won't be joining us at the house, he's living in a nice barn just a little ways away.  I see him every day.  I was hoping he'd be able to attend the meeting via Skype, but the wi-fi at the barn isn't the best, maybe next time.

Beau: please give him my best when you see him.  I always liked him.  He was very polite. 

Me: I'll be sure to tell him tomorrow when I see him.  Now, does anyone have anything they'd like to discuss?  Any concerns?

Wesson: I'm worried about my ears. 

Me: your ears are fine, I'm sure Smith will start cleaning them again once he's a little more used to having a baby to watch over.  Smith, maybe you could ease up on the kitten and spend a little time with your brother.

Smith: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.  I take my responsibility very seriously, I can't be too careful.  

Me: actually, you could do a little less.  The poor little guy is all rumpled and damp most of the time.  I appreciate your care, and I'm sure he does too, but he's going to start chapping if you continue slurping him non-stop.

Smith: I saw your lips moving, but you must not have been saying anything important because I didn't hear a thing.

Me: ..........  is 7:30 too early to go to bed..I wonder?  Ok, I think we'll wrap it up for tonight.  

Dear Dogs, Cats, and Horse,

Starting this evening, we will be resuming our weekly meetings.  As you all know, there have been many changes since our last meeting.  But things are about as settled as they ever get around here, and there are, as always, things that need to be addressed in order to make this household run like the well oiled machine I know it can be.

Attendance is mandatory with the exception of Marcus.  I'll see if he can Skype in, but I'm not sure the barn has that capability.  

The meeting will be held after supper this evening.  You might want to bring some paper so you can take notes.  Refreshments will be served.

See you then!

xxoo,

Alpha The Lead Mare

Dear Mabel,

I hope I mentioned that I like to leave notes and letters to you guys that cover topics that I feel are important.  If you find a letter or note addressed to you, please read it; I don't write these things to myself.  If you'd like to talk about anything that I write to you, my door is always open.  Mostly because I can't stand how much Mr. Smith whines when he finds it closed, but still, always open if you need to talk.

Here's what I need to bring to your attention: we seem to be having some difference of opinion about just what constitutes full bowls of food and water.  I've included a photo to help illustrate my points.  

Please notice that the dog bowls in the upper left corner have no food in them.  These are "empty".  The picture in the upper right is your bowl.  You've taken maybe 4 bites out of it and there's still plenty of food available.  Your bowl is not "empty" just because you've eaten out of it once.  I guarantee that you won't starve to death if I don't put more food in your bowl after every time you eat.  

The same holds true for the water bowl.  You may have noticed that the dog water (in the left corner) has been where it is, being happily used by the dogs for the past 2 days.  This water is perfectly drinkable, it is not poison.  Your water bowl also has plenty of water in it.  I put fresh water in your bowl at least twice a day.  Water doesn't go bad in less than a day, you can safely drink it even if it's been in the bowl for a few hours.  Staring at me and saying nasty things in that squeeky voice of your's  is not going to change anything.  Trying to trip me every time I walk through the kitchen isn't going to make any difference either.  

Please try to reconcile yourself to the fact that I'm the one with the opposible thumbs and I'm the one who gets to make the decisions in this household.  I have every faith that once you make just a few little attitude adjustments, everything will be fine.

Cheerfully yours,

Alpha

Dearest Alpha,

As requested, I'm reporting in about The Mabel's first week with us.  Overall, I'd say it's going well, but you asked for specifics, so here they are:

She seems to spend most of her time when you're not here downstairs.  On the days that I'm in the house while you're gone, I go down and check on her every once in awhile to make sure that she's safe.  I think she goes down there because she get sick of Weiners sniffing her butt every time she walks through the house but she may be down there because she assumes that none of us can manage the slippery stairs.  As you know, I practiced long and hard and slid down many times whist mastering said stairs.  She was quite surprised the first time she saw me down there, but I think she's gotten used to my welfare check-ins because she doesn't bolt off under the bed anymore when I come down. She does look offended when I "invade her space, but I've explained that it's in my job description to take care of everyone so  I''d say we're making progress.  I do wish she wouldn't hiss at me when I surprise her.  Could you tell her that it hurts my feelings?

She's perfect about using the downstairs bathroom box that you've provided for her, but she doesn't seem interested in the one you put in the little room that has the fantastic water bowl that you use.  I know The Weiners are disappointed about that, but it doesn't really make any difference to the rest of us because we don't have a sweet tooth and we don't look for the almond roca she leaves in the box.  On the subject of the white water bowl; we'd all like you to leave the bathroom door open a little further so that we can get to it.  We know that you provide water for us in another container, but the big white water bowl is our favorite.  We promise to work on drinking more neatly, it distresses us when you spueek about the wet seat.

Mabel is very interested in sharing our food, but she doesn't seem to want to share her's. Cat food is so much better than dog food, I wish she would share. I understand that you put her bowl on the kitchen counter so that we can't reach it, but I have to confess that one day, I'll just stand up and get some for myself.  I apologize in advance.

I hope this covers the things you were most concerned about and puts your mind at ease.  I'll continue to be vigilent and report anything that I think might be a problem and I'll continue to assure The Mabel that I'll always be here for her and that I'm her greatest protector.  I think she's happy with us.

Yours adoringly, 

Beau

Me:  Mabel, I'd like to talk to you for a second before I leave for work.  Do you think you could unwrap yourself from the back of my neck for just a few minutes.

Mabel:  Do I have to?  I'm happiest here, I wish you would sit down on the couch more often so I could always be here.  Maybe I'll try just staying here always.

Me:  you're a cat, not a scarf, and certainly not a parrot.  It's summer, it's too hot to have fur draped on me and I'm not keen about having you balance on my shoulder with your sharp toes.

Mabel: ....I like it here. You said you've had members of my pride before so you should know that my wants and needs are the only thing that matters.

Me:...again, you're a cat.  Not a lion.  Lions live in "prides", a group of cats is called a kindle. Besides, there's only one of you, you don't qualify as a pride. But we're off topic, and I have to leave for work so we'll have to continue our talk when I get home.  Try staying upstairs today and spending some quality time with the dogs. I think you'll like them if you give them a chance and you'll never get to know them if spend all day downstairs.

Mabel: I'm important enough to be a pride all by myself and I don't want to talk to the dogs, they have bad breath.  Are you forgetting everything is all about me...always?

Me:  we'll discuss it later.  Try staying upstairs, I'd rather not have to move the downstairs bed when I get home.  There's no need to hide.

Mabel:  ok, I'll find a new place, there are lots of dark places down there.  Good luck finding  me.

Me: .......