Beau: Madame, a word?

Me: of course, but I have to leave for work in just a few minutes so we'll have to keep it brief.

Beau: not a problem, it will only take a minute.  We've all been wondering why we haven't had a meeting in a long time.  There's much that needs to be discussed.

Me: I'm sorry, I just haven't had the energy to call a meeting; I've been coming home awfully tired from work these past few weeks.  Part of that is from how much running around I've been doing when I'm working.  But I think the major reason I'm so tired is because I'm not getting nearly enough sleep.

Beau: I'm sorry to hear that.  Is there anything we can do?

Me: are you kidding me?  Have you forgotten how many times I've had to get up and tell you to stop the incessan barking at nothing in the middle of the night?  Have you not noticed that I've also had to get out of bed at least 3 times every night to make sure that Sam isn't trying to start something with Steve because the growling wakes me up?  Do you remember that Roommate borrowed my car and didn't bring it back until midnight when she said she'd be back at 7? I was so angry about that one that I hardly slept at all that night. And then there's been the constant getting off the bed and whining to get up again that Smith has been doing, not sure what's up with that. So yes, there are a few things all of you can do. 

Beau: I had no idea, and I'm sure the rest of us didn't realize what's been happening.  All the more reason for a meeting I think.  And I say that in the most respectful way possible. We should talk about all of those things as well Steve's escalating estrangement from the pack.  I'd also like to include the awful state of Sam's coat if I'm allowed to put something on the agenda.

Me: you're right, there are a few things that really need to be addressed.  Now that you mention it, I'll bet that Sam is pretty embarrassed by how he looks.  That would explain his refusal to have his picture taken.  I haven't been able to include him in any group photos for quite awhile.  

Beau: I knew you'd understand the pressing need for a meeting, when can I put it on the calendar?  It should be soon.

Me: let's do it tomorrow evening after I get home.  Lord knows I have no social life and nothing better to do on a Friday night.

Beau: rest assured I'll take care of it. Could we start out with one very important item?  Could we discuss getting different food?  Or perhaps adding something to the food we have?  You might have seen that we're all leaving food in our bowls.  Except the Weiners of course, they are like little vacuum cleaners. How do they eat so fast without choking to death.  A mystery of life, one of many.

Me: we can touch on the food issues, but I'll warn you in advance that adding people food is not an option.  The vet said that's really bad for you and is the main cause of weight gain.

Smith: *coming out from around the corner* You just called us all fat didn't you?  Guys, she's trying to ruin our body images again.  *aside to Wesson* - let's go poop in her room.

Me: I'm leaving now....

Me: could I have everyone's attention please?  Steven, spit out The Ball, we're not going outside right now.

Steve: later? Are we going later? Can I go swimming? 

Smith: hey, you, Peabrain, shut it. The lady is talking to us.

Me: thanks Smith, that was a little harsh, but thanks.  I want to talk to all of you about the fact that Sam is home.

Beau: Peep and I have missed him Madame.  Thank you for returning him.  Perhaps Peep will cry less often.

Peep: I'm so happy that he's home, I think I'm going to cry....

Wesson: me and Smith missed him too.

Me: how many times do I have to tell you Wesson? It's Smith and I.

Steve: .......has anyone seen my Ball? I think it rolled under the couch.

Me: at least try to listen Steven.

Steve: sorry *still looking under the couch for Ball*

Smith: how come the big guy was on the bed with us last night?

Me: because he kind of seems to be glued to my leg since he got here. It was either let him up on the bed or listen to him whine all night.  And by let him up on the bed, I mean lift him up and place him on the bed.  

Smith: it's ok I guess, he can sleep there. At least he doesn't lay on me and snore like a truck the way Simple Simon does.

Me: thanks so much for your approval Smith.  We're getting off topic here.  This meeting is about Sam coming home and keeping an eye on things since Roommate can't be trusted to do that.  For example, while I was out today at an appointment, it seems that R "lost track" of Sam. Smith and Wesson, I understand that it was only your vigilence and crazed barking that alerted her to the fact that Sam was missing.  I was told he had made it all the way across the street and was headed down to the river when she caught up with him.  She does seem to understand the part about Sam and Steve not being left alone together, but it's anyone's guess how long that understanding will last.  Beau, Peep, I'd like you keep particularly close watch on things.  I think that the reason Sam didn't get hurt so badly last time was because the two of you were doing your best to beat the crap out of Steve from behind.  You have permission to repeat that performance when you need to.  Steven, are you listening?

Steve: I can't reach The Ball.  Can you help me?

Me: I'll take that as a no.  Look at me please, under no circumstances are you to even look at Sam.  Don't talk to him, don't leave any messages for him, just pretend he doesn't exist.  Do you understand?

Steve: I've almost got it!  I can almost get The Ball!!!

Me: jesus h. particular christ..... Sam, let's try you: Leave. Steve. Alone. Do NOT say mean things.  Do NOT show him your teeth.  Do NOT growl just because he walks through the room that you're in.  Do you hear what I'm saying?

Sam: can you help me up on the bed?  I'd like to take a nap.

Me: ............. where's that bottle of Patron?

Hi Home Pack!!

This is a picture of me at a place called Dog Park.  The Alpha girl here at Camp brings all of us here a lot.  I'm not sure what the big deal is, it's just a field with a fence and many dogs running around like crazy.  But there are TONS of "notes" to read from other dogs so that part is fun.  The place is also full of terrifying creatures that AG calls "chihuahuas".  I think that's Spanish for demon dogs straight from Hell. They scare me to death.  I've asked if I can be excused from Dog Park so I don't have to deal with them again. I miss you guys!

Sam

Peep: Mom?

Me: honey, I'm not your mom, remember? I don't think of any of you as "fur babies".  As a matter of fact, that word makes me crazy.

Peep: Mom?

Me: *sigh*, what is it honey?

Peep: where's Sam?

Me: he's at my youngest puppy's house, remember?  I showed you the postcard he sent.  

Peep: is he ok?

Me: he's doing great.

Peep: ok, I was worried.

Beau: Madame, we've all been wondering what became of Sam.  It's good to know he's doing well.

Smith: well, almost all of us, Bozo over there doesn't wonder much about anything. Ever.  Except for where he lost his his Ball. Have I mentioned that he's an idiot and I hate him?

Me: yes, you have mentioned that once or a million times Smith.  Guys, I told you all about Sam taking a break, why doesn't anyone remember that?

Wesson: I think you might have mentioned something during dinner, we don't listen very well when we're eating.  But thanks for filling his bowl even though he's not here, I do love a little more to eat whenever I can get it. You could keep doing that, Smith and me are perfectly ok with it and we'll make sure it doesn't go to waste.

Me: grammer Wesson, grammer.  It's Smith and I, not Smith and me.  

Wesson: gotcha.  Me and Smith are at your service anytime there's a food issue.

Me: .........

Steve: I remember! He went to a place called "Camp".  Can I go to Camp too? It sounds great.  Are there lots of Balls at Camp? Is there swimming? Doesn't Widget live at Camp.  I love Widget, he's great. Can I go?

Me: no Steve, you can't go to camp.  The last time you were there you chased the cats and scared them half to death.  You've been banned for life, you can't go back there.

Smith: pssst..Steve...I know where there's another camp you can go to.  I'll tell you how to get there tomorrow.  I'll help you start packing.  Let's start by taking your collar off....

Me:  SMITH! I heard all of that!! What do we know about trying to get rid of Steve?!?!?

Smith: that I could have done it by now if you didn't keep interferring.

Me: that's it.  You're done.  Leave the room...

Steve: *following Smith* where's the camp? How do I get there? Have you ever been there? Help me with my collar please......

Hi Pack!

I wanted everyone to know that I'm having a wonderful time here at camp.  I miss you guys, but it's pretty great here.  They have kitties!  I love kitties!  I'll ask one of the counselors to take my picture with one or both of them and I'll send it.  Gotta run, it's time for my tai-chi class!

love ya!

Sam