*phone rings*

Me: helli?

Lady, lady lady. Is that you?

me: Smith?!?!?  What the hell?

Smith: I only have a few minutes, the little battery light is red Where are you? When are you coming home? Why did you leave us forever?

Me: I didn't leave you forever, you know I'm in Minnesota with my sister. I'll be home tomorrow in time to give you your dinner. Where the hell did you find a phone and how did you know what number to call. 

Smith: I got the number off of Steve's tag and I found the phone. I borrowd the phone from some people who were walking by the house. They just dropped it, I swear. I didn't bite their ankles or foam at the mouth or anything, so Steves's lying if he says that. When are you coming home? I haven't eaten in a month. That girl doesn't feed me, she feeds all the other guys but not me. I'm dying here. 

Me: I don't think that's true. I'm sure everyone is being fed. I'll be home tomorrow. 

Smith: I'll be dead by then. I'm falling down right now...too. Weak. To. Stand. Adieu. Adios. Bye bye. 

Me: christonacracker, give the phone to Beau, maybe he can explain "time" to you. 

Beau: Madame? When are you coming home? It's been 5 years since we la saw you. 

Me:........

Dear Dogs,

In the human world, the dogs in the photo would be your cousins; their Alpha is my sister. But let's just consider them members of our extended pack. The little black mop-looking guy is Murphey and the blonde is Sophie. Wesson, please don't go off the deep end, I know that Sophie is pretty, but she's about 2 feet taller than you are and she lives 1500 miles away, it would never work. I'll see if my sister will agree to set up some skype sessions. Steve, I think you and Murphy could be great friends; you both have the same doofy personality and crazy energy level  

ok, time for me to go see my other sister now. She's at a place that's kind of a combination of a vet office and the pound and it makes me sad to see her there. But I'm still happy I get to see her a few more times before I go back home. 

I think about you lots and I miss you. I'll be home soon, be good. 

xxoo,

Alpha

Dear Dogs,

As you've noticed, we haven't had any meetings lately.  Life has just gotten a little crazy and there really hasn't been any time.  Lots of changes going on around here that we'll need to all sit down and talk about.  Don't panic Peep, there's nothing bad, just changes.  We'll have a meeting when I get back from the trip I'm about to leave on.  Remember I told all of you that I have to go home to see one of my littermates one last time?  I'll be gone for almost a week, or about 10 meals for you if that makes it easier for you to figure it out.  Chelsea will take good care of all of you.  Smith, don't worry, she knows the feeding schedule.  

I love you all (equally) and I'll miss you.  I won't say I wish I could take you with me because honesty is important to me and that wouldn't be exactly the truth.  Behave please.  I'll be home soon.

Sad Alpha

Dear Estaban,

I thought I'd humor you and use the new name you've chosen for yourself.  In a moment. we'll discuss your suggestions for name changes for all of your roommates.  

But first, I want to thank you for coming with me to babysit last night.  As always, you were very helpful and very patient with the little guy.  You deserve many, many points for allowing him to do a thorough examination of your penis.  What can I say? He's a 3 year old boy, emphasis on the boy part.  You also showed amazing restraint in regards to not destroying the plastic toys.  I know how much you love a good plastic chewing interlude and I'm very impressed that you were able to keep your desires in check.  I'm sorry I couldn't let you climb into bed with the wee one but I didn't want to risk waking him up when it was time to leave.  All in all, I think it was a pretty wonderful evening for both of you.  That kid considers you his best friend and I know you feel the same about him. I wonder if part of the bond is that you guys are about the same mental age, although he might be older in that aspect. But anyway, Good Job!  I'll bring you along the next time since you always do such a great job. I posted a bunch of photos from last night on our photo page so that you can look at them when you have time.

Now, let's discuss this whole name change thing.  I understand that you want to be called Estaban; the little guy and his brother are growing up biligual and your willingness to learn Spanish is commendable.  However, I'm not sure that all of the other dogs will be willing to use the names you chose for them.  Calling Beau "Carlos" is ok, it's a good strong name for a good strong dog and "Corazon" is a great choice for Peep; she really is all heart. But I have reservations on your choices for the other 3 friends.  Smith and Wesson will never agree to being "Taco" and "Nacho", trust me.  I know that those 2 are snack sized, but they refuse to admit it and calling them food names isn't going to change that.  I pretty sure they'd be insulted and you know that when they even suspect that they've been insulted, they lash out and someone's nose always suffers. As far as renaming Sam "Cabesa de Caca" (and calling him Caca for short), I'm exercising my veto power on that one. He may, indeed, qualify as a shithead when it comes to his interactions with you, but using that name is only going to antagonize him into another fight and I really can't afford any more huge vet bills.  I suggest Manuel, or Jorge, or even Enrique.  These are all benign Spanish names and he wouldn't object to them.  We can talk about this at the weekly meeting and see how everyone feels about it.  For now, feel free to try out the new names on everyone and see how they react.  You can tell me how it goes.

Thanks again for all of your help.

xxoo,

Proud Alpha

Dear White Dogs,

As you know, we have an invisible fence to help you remember where home stops and the rest of the world begins.  I spent a considerable amount of money getting the fence installed and buying the collars that go with it.  You might remember that I actually had to buy the collars twice since Steve removed the first set for you. He didn't seem to have any trouble with the battery that he ate during that process, so I'm assuming it whistled right through and I'm very grateful for that.  I put the fence in so that you could have the run of the entire 5 acres since I felt bad about how much smaller your world became when I brought you up here.  I'm beginning to think that it was a waste of money.

Sam has been really good about going right outside when it's time for me to leave for work; just dashes right out the door.  Beau, Peep, you aren't nearly as enthusiastic. This morning, I had to actually drag you out before I left.  Beau, it was like trying to move a black hole, I'd be really interested to hear how you're able to manipulate gravity in order to increase your weight to the point where I can't budge you out of the chair.  And Peep, I wish you wouldn't look like you're being sentenced to death when I say it's time to go out.  Have you completely forgotten that you were always outside dogs?  Do you not remember sleeping in the snow and rain?  Or did you think that retirement means never having to get off of the couch?  There are cozy beds in the garage for you to lounge around on, you don't have to be out in the weather if you don't want to be.  And judging from how clean you're staying, I'd say that you're not out of the garage much at all.

Maybe you've been adventuring around the yard while I'm gone?  Checking everything out, making sure that the perimeter is secure?  You know you can get about 5 feet away from the fence before the warning beep starts, right?  And then there's another 5 feet before the charge goes off.  I haven't seen any of you get any closer than 25 feet from the nearest boundry flag, which means you're not going very far from the house and garage at all.  I know this because of the amount of poop that's piling up around the house. You're very big dogs and you make very large deposits.  There's a lot of room out there, it would be better to have things spread out a bit.  Especially since it's been so rainy and we're almost always in the shade, nothing is going to dry out enough to be cleaned up until about July at this rate.  

I'm glad that you respect the fence and the boundry that it creates, I was a little worried that you'd just blow through it and start getting in the same kind of trouble that brought you up here in the first place.  But you don't have to stay so close to the house, and you certainly don't need to stay in the house.  Steve is really jealous that he doesn't have a collar and can't stay outside all day.  The Weiners have suggested (repeatedly) that Steve join you outside and leave them in peace in the house, and it's a tempting idea.  Of course I won't be taking Smith's suggestion that Steve's collar be turned up to "deep fat fry".  The point is, most dogs would be crazy happy to be able to be out all day with no leash and no need to be tied up. But then, you guys have never fit into the category of "most dogs".  

We can sit down and discuss any outside needs you might have that aren't being met, you know I'm always open to hearing your ideas.  But you will have to get used to being outside, that's just not negotiable.  And before you ask again, no; I will not be trying to sell the fence system on Craig's List.  How do you guys even know there is a Craig's List?  

xxoo,

Impoverished Alpha