Dear Dogs,

Well, we all survived Christmas and I have to say I'm proud of all of you.  You were great with the babies; none of them were stepped on or run over or crushed.  

Steve, great job with resisting the urge to chew up all but a few of the new plastic toys and most of the old ones as well.  It was adorable when you tried to get Saoirse to play ball with you, but remember that Morillo is the only one that's big enough to (kind of) throw the ball for you.  And thank you for not taking exception to having your ears used as teething toys, that was impressive.

Beau, your diligence in keeping the babies free of stray bits of food and continually wiping their runny noses. Funny how the kids hate having their noses wiped with a kleenex but they sit perfectly still when you slurp their faces clean.  

Peep and Sam, I wish you had participated a litle more, but you did a good job of only eating off of the table a few times, I know how hard that was for you.

Smith and Wesson, please stop saying that you're coming down with kennel cough.  I know the babies were coughing, but they don't have kennel cough. Remember that dogs can't catch human colds and you're not going to die.  Contrary to your insistence, you don't need more cookies and extra food to stave off getting sick. You can't believe everything you read on the internet.

All in all, I have to say it was a successful holiday.  Thanks for trying to stay awake for the Dowton Abbey marathon yesterday.  I promise we'll watch Milo and Otis, Lassie Come Home, and maybe Lady and the Tramp. this evening before bed.  Wesson, I have to warn you in advance that Lassie was played by a male dog.  Try not to fall in love again.

I can tell by the amount of barking last night and this morning that you're starting to recover.  Tonight, please feel free to continue to catch up on your sleep, although judging by the number of times I tripped on you because you didn't move when I need to walk by, you should be pretty well caught up by now.

I'm going to put a bunch of pictures on our photo page so that you can look at them and remember how much fun Christmas was.  We'll do it again in another 7 (for you) years.

xxoo,

Tired but happy Alpha

Dear Beau,

It was very big of you to cast your vote in Steve's favor so that he could win the Best Baby Interacter award. Especially since your performance was just as good (if not better), than Steve's  And I agree with you; we'll have to wait and see if this positive reinforcement does anything to improve his overall behavior.  Just between you and me, I'm not at all sure that it'll work, but anything is worth a try at this point.  

I'd also like to thank you for sharing the results of your research on pitbulls.  I was not aware that it's a well documented fact that pitbulls take at least 3 years to mature mentally, thank for digging up that tidbit.  But I think you misinterpreted a little bit, taking 3 years to mature doesn't mean that pitbulls don't actually have a brain until they're 21 in dog years.  Every dog, including pits, is born with a brain.  Steve has a brain.  We just need to wait another year or so until it "kicks in".  

It really was a fun evening, wasn't it?  Right up until I had to scold you for unauthorized food consumption from the table. Let's go over it again:  Just because food has been left unattended on the table and you're tall enough to help yourself, doesn't make it a good choice. Another bad choice is actually eating the paper plate that the food was on.  I think we should cover this topic in next week's meeting.  It would be a good idea to review the rules with everyone, keeping these things fresh in one's mind always helps.

But again, great job today!

xxoo,

Impressed Alpha

Dear Steve,

We all took a vote while you were outside peeing and we decided that you get today's award for Best Dog and Baby Interacter.  I hope you understand just what a great honor this is, all of the humans and all of your roommates voted on this and except for Mr. Smith stuffing the ballot box in an attempt to win, we all agreed that the award should go to you.  I wish I could have gotten a photo of you patiently allowing Saoirse to chew on your ear, that was really what made the win for you.  

You should be proud of a job well done!  This almost makes up for the wooden blocks and plastic truck that you managed to chew up while no one was looking.  Keep up the good work!!

xxoo,

Proud Alpha

ps: as great as this is, it doesn't make up for pooping downstairs today while I was away; you seriously need to work on that.

Beau: Madame, may I have a word?

Me: of course, you know I always have time to hear what you have to say.

Beau: while you were out yesterday, we had a meeting.

Me: really?  I don't remember seeing anything on the calendar.  Did I miss anything important?

Beau: this was a "canines only" meeting, there were things we needed to discuss amongst ourselves.

Me: ok....I guess.

Beau: we came up with a few things we feel should be addressed. Everyone decided I should be the spokesdog since you seem to listen to me. We made a list of concerns.  I'm sorry it's damp and only half of it is there.  Someone, *looks sternly at Steve*, got his paws on it before I could put it out of reach.

Me: give me a minute to try and decifer this.  You should have let Peep write this down, she has the best penmanship.

Beau: take your time, I cleared my schedule completely so we wouldn't be rushed.

Me: let me get this straight, you all want permission to get your own snacks out of the pantry when I'm gone? We've been over this already, the answer is still no, not until you learn to put your empty wrappers in the garbage and stay out of the flour and sugar canisters.  The next item is "Steve needs more ball time". Hmmmm, is that a group concern, or just Steve's concern?  It says that all of you, especially Sam and Peep want to be brushed and petted more. I'll see what I can do, I'm sure we can make that happen.  Smith and Wesson, I'm sorry, but it seems your part has been chewed off.

Smith: it said we want you to keep your promise about us growing old together, just you and us.  Alone.  With no stupid roommates.  You should have consulted us before you let all these other clowns live here. 

Me: I'm not surprised that was chewed off of the list.  C'mon boys, you know you don't get to make the decisions here.  When you're the ones that put food in the bowls and clean up after everyone, then you can make whatever policy changes you want.  But until then, I'm the only one that has a say in who gets to stay and who isn't welcome.

Smith: we're too old to find work and we're too short to work the vacuum and the mop.

Me: since when do you admit to being little dogs?

Wesson (in an aside to Smith): I told you she wouldn't buy it.  Don't look so mad.  Come under the blanket and I'll lick your eyeballs.

Me: Let's see if I can read the rest of this.....Beau, I just can't agree to never clipping your nails again., you're starting to resemble a velociraptor.  Sam, for the last time, we are not getting any kittens. Peep, I don't see anything from you.

Peep.  I don't need anything but you.  I love you.  I cry when you're gone. I worry about you all the time.  I'm ok though.  Did I say I love you?  

Me: thank you Peep, that's very sweet. Is there anything else?

Beau: no Madame, I believe we covered everything.  Thank you for your time.  If you need anything, you'll find me in the bedroom in my chair.

Me: it's not your chair!

Beau: it is now, I peed on the corner.

Dear Dogs,

Especially you Wesson, listen up.  

I apologize for any confusion the new bag of dog food may have caused this morning.  First: I bought this ridiculously expensive brand because it was on a clearance rack and it was reasonably priced for such a high end brand.  Second: I bought it for the Weiners because it's smaller pieces and easier to eat for those who have lost many of their teeth because they never flossed; this is small dog food, not for big dogs.  And lastly: there is no cute little Shih Tzu girl in the bag and even if there was, there's no more room at Beth's Casa de Canines.  Stop asking if she's coming to live here, she absolutely will not be joining us.

Look, even if I said we could get another roommate - and I'm NOT saying that - this is not the breed we'd get. These are horrible little yappy dogs that bite children, need to go to the groomer almost weekly and think way too highly of themselves.  They make Dacshunds look humble. The one on the bag is probably worse than most because she's a model. And no Wesson, you're not "in love with her".  Besides, did you forget that you haven't been studdly since you were 10 weeks old?  Yes Wesson, I'll see if I can find an address for her so that you can write and tell her about your undying love, but no, you can't call her, I'm sure her number is unlisted. And if you try to use one of my credit cards to send gifts, there will be severe consequences.

To review: we aren't getting another dog.  The food in that bag is for the Weiners so stop trying to open the pantry and make it a snack.  There is no cute little girl dog in the bag, your position as the only girl dog is secure Peep.  There's only room for one true bitch in this house and it's not you Peepers. 

xxoo,

Alpha

ps: no Sam, I don't think it's a good idea to get a kitten