Dear Steve,

You seem to be having trouble lately getting comfortable on the couch. There's a lot of wiggling around, changing positions, and yet you still can't find a position that suits you.  I would like to suggest that you take a few moments to notice who is already on the couch before you jump up and start trying to settle in. If a space is already occupied, it's bound to be very difficult to get cozy. 

Please have a look at the attached photo.  That lump behind you is Mr. Smith.  I know it's hard to see him in the picture.  That's because when you got up on the couch, you smashed most of him into the crack between the cushions.  This is not the first time this has happened, as you well know.  Remember when I told you that the reason the blankets growl at you is because there's a Weiner underneath and not because the blanket is haunted.  We talked about how weird it is that they like to be covered up all of the time. You don't have to understand it, but you do need to be aware that if a blanket looks lumpy, one of your roommates is most likely underneath it and you should be careful not to sit on them.  And, if there's a lumpy blanket in the spot closest to me, it's a sure thing that there are Weiners under there and they've already claimed the spot.  Sitting on them doesn't make them move.  As a matter of fact, when you sit on them, they can't move.  

All I'm asking is that you be a little more considerate of the other members of the household.  I try to make sure that everyone gets to spend equal time sitting next to me. Yes, the Weiners are the only ones that get to actually sit on my lap, but we talked about this as well; they're much smaller than the rest of you, they're the only ones who fit on my lap. It doesn't mean I like them any better than you, it just means that when you or the White Dogs sit on my lap I can't breath.  I've told you that Mr. Smith isn't being truthful when he says he's bigger than you and that you shouldn't believe what he says about size. Trust me, you are positively bigger than both Smith and Wesson, even if we combine them, you're bigger.  Dacshunds are pretty delusional about how big they are, it's just one of those things we have to deal with. 

I'll leave you with one more thing to think about: if you squish the Weiners to death, who will clean your ears?  It's a safe bet that none of the White Dogs will step up. Cleaning dog ears isn't one of my favorite activities, so if we lose the little guys, we'll have to go to the vet for ear cleaning.  No one wants that, now do they?

xoxo,

Crowded Alpha

Dear Dogs,

As you know, I thought it would be really cute if we all had pictures taken with Santa this year.  And you all agreed that it was a good idea.  I knew better than to think that you'd all sit still for a group photo, but I thought maybe we could get a few of you in each shot and make a collage. It was all going to be very festive, very jolly, very high awww-so-cute factor.  

Do any of you remember the discussion we had about wearing hats for the photo shoot?  We did talk about that, check your notes.  We decided it would be a good idea to try the hats on before we actually went to get any pictures taken.  I'm glad we did that trial run because if I had gone to all of the trouble of getting you all into the car at the same time and driving you across town and you starting behaving the way you did at home during the trial, I swear I would have gone directly to the shelter and stuffed every one of you through the mail slot.

The hat was NOT made of acid.  There was no barb wire lining in it.  You weren't going to go blind when it slipped down over your eyes. It wasn't going to suffocate your head or tear your ears off.  I have to say that you all overreacted to a ridiculous degree.  Especially you Wesson; hiding under the bed and trembling violently was really a little over the top, don't you think?  At least Smith tried to actually climb into the hat, didn't want to wear it, but he did try to explore the depths.  Beau, Peep, very clever of you to hide in dark corners of the house so that I couldn't take any pictures if I even managed to get within 3 feet of you with the hat.  Sam, thank you for your nanosecond of cooperation, you gave me hope for a moment.  Steve, you were not being helpful throughout any of this, not even a little.

Looks like there won't be any adorable Christmas pictures this year, not even without hats.  You've shown me just what a bad idea this really was.  I guess I should be grateful that we tried things out at home first.  I don't even want to think about what a fiasco this would have turned into if we had tried to go through with it.  

So we won't be taking a ride in the car.  We won't be going to a new place full of fun smells.  We won't be stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home.  We won't be passing out pictures to friends and family.  

We will, however, be trying on bunny ears just as soon as I can find some.  I think if we start practicing this weekend, there may be hope for an Easter photo op.  

xxoo,

Disappointed Alpha 

Smith: there's not enough food here, gimme that bowl Steve

Steve: we could share, we can eat out of it together! We can share! Friends share!

Smith: did say I wanted to share? Did I stutter? I said GIVE ME YOUR BOWL.

Steve: *hangs head and slinks off* Ok friend, anything for you.

Smith: Fucking right, anything that's yours is mine.

Me: Smith, that's not your bowl, there's too much food in it for you.

Smith: just the right amount if you ask me.

Me: despite what you think, you're a small dog and you only need a small amount of food to  survive.

Smith: did you just call me fat?

Me: no, I'm just trying to remind you that you need to stay fit and lean so that your back doesn't go out again.

Smith: you're trying to starve me!  I'm calling someone

Me: not only do you not have thumbs but I take the phone with me when I leave the house.

Smith: you're a monster, I hate you

Me: while I'm at work today, I want you to google "obie journey" , you can see what happens to Dacshunds who eat too much.

Smith: *using his snottiest voice" I don't have thumbs, remember?

Me: fine. I'll bring up the website for you when I get home. Now, go eat out of your own bowl before Wesson eats both bowls.

Smith: aaaaaaarrrrrhhhh! Both bowls are empty!  This is your fault.  You did this on purpose to make sure I'd starve while you're gone.

Me: *rolls eyes*

Smith: just so you know, I'm going to poop all over the house while you're gone.  I've been saving up.  Bwahahahaha

Smith and Wesson:

Yes, it seems like it's been raining forever, and yes, I'm fully aware of your opinion of rain.  But let me remind you that you are housebroken.  It's been a source of pride that I was actually able to accomplish that since many Dacshund owners are never able to make this happen.  As a breed, you are stubborn little fuckers with minds of your own.  But we powered through and beat the odds and I think that reflects well on both you and me.  

I have no control over the weather!  Leaving your "statements" of dispeasure with the rain changes nothing.  Believe me, I'd make the rain let up if I could.  I'm very sick of mopping up everyone's muddy footprints  I'm tired of the house smelling like wet dogs.  The addition of eau de poop is in no way pleasant.  

I expect you to stop this behavior immediately. I'm very disappointed.

Regards,

Disgusted Alpha

ps: you can stop trying to blame the other dogs for this.  I know it's a Dacshund poop.  The other dogs all poop bigger than your whole bodies.  Also, what the hell did you eat?  There's something besides just poop there.

To: Beau

From: Alpha

Subject: recent correspondence

On December 8 I sent out a group memo.  I have yet to receive your acknowlegement that you read this memo.  Everyone is required to initial the memos and return them to me in a timely fashion.

On December 10, I sent you an email recapping the memo.  I haven't received a response to that email.  That's just rude.

You're 42 in dog years, you've been in the workforce since you were 10 and you've always been an exemplarary member of this household. If you have issues that are troubling you and causing you to disregard the rules and you'd like to discuss something, my door is always open.